


Baking and the Rise of Western Imperialism

by toomuchagain



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Comedy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6675706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomuchagain/pseuds/toomuchagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has a very clever idea, and the SMH team are little shits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baking and the Rise of Western Imperialism

Jack cracks his fifth egg with one hand, and the entire thing shatters into the mixing bowl.

Sighing, he tosses it into the sink and runs the water until only shell is left in the drain screen before throwing it in the trash.

He knows how to break an egg; eggs are a great protein-filled breakfast food and while he can't poach one to save his life, he knows how to break them well enough to make scrambled eggs or an omelette. But he's used to doing it the non-fancy way rather than the way Bitty does it, and he's wasted three dollars at this point.

Jack has just finished off the chocolate fudge pie they'd made at the beginning of Bitty's visit (nutritionist be damned), and the fudge pie seemed a lot easier than anything else he's made with Bitty... It's stupid, but he misses him even though he only left a few hours ago.

"Merde!" he breathes the sixth time it happens.

Screw the fancy way. Why is he even trying to do it this way? It's clearly wasteful and not worth it. It's not like he's doing a baking vlog like Bitty. He's a goddamn Québécois hockey robot, what does he know about breaking eggs neatly with one hand???

Jack freezes, new egg in hand.

What does he know indeed?

\--------------------

If Bitty were a better man he would not have fallen off his chair laughing. Lardo wouldn't have had  to see what that thump was and if all that gasping was indicative of serious injury. She wouldn't've caught that clip of a zamboni transitioning to Jack mid-word adding eggs to a mixing bowl.

If Bitty were a better man, he would've stopped wheezing long enough to stop her from texting everyone instead of breaking into a whole new round of stomach-aching laughter because, _oh god how did Jack manage to crush the egg that badly_????????

But Bitty is not a better man, and that is how four very large men, one somewhat less large man, and one very tiny woman end up squeezed on Bitty's bed cackling as Jack Zimmermann knocks into a chair, trips, and ends up with chocolate fudge pie batter running down his face and chest.

"Oh my god, how is he this much a disaster in the kitchen?!" Ransom howls even as he's fumbling out his phone.

Jack stares into the camera for a moment, dripping batter, and the video abruptly cuts to a short montage of players get shaving-creamed, which cuts to Jack all cleaned up with a new bowl of batter, which he's stirring well away from any chairs or tables.

_Ransom: I'm subscribing to your channel._

_Holster: Oh man, we can say we knew Jack Zimmerman before he got youtube famous!_

_Jack: I don't have a channel._

_Lardo: What is this editing?_

_Shitty: I think he did it on purpose_

_Shitty: To be funny_

_Ransom: I don't know what you're talking about this is Oscar worthy._

"Why did he make it, anyway?" Dex pipes up, snorting as Jack takes the pie out of the oven and realizes that it's not...done. It almost spills out of the pie pan when he tilts it.

After a minute inspecting the pie, the cookbook, and the stove, he figures out what went wrong.

"Oh, guess I didn't set the temperature, eh?"

Bitty shakes his head, wiping away a tear as Jack puts the pie back in and makes sure to push "start" this time. The video cuts to a short montage of players collecting their teeth from the ice. 

"Bless his heart. I've got no idea what prompted it. It just appeared in my inbox twenty minutes ago."

_Jack: Why's Shitty there? You've got torts in ten minutes._

_Lardo: Shared the screen_

_Shitty: Yeah, I'm not_

_Shitty: I know!_

_Shitty: Why do you still have my schedule memorized?_

On-screen, the clip cuts straight to Jack opening the oven to a cloud of smoke, setting off a shrieking alarm.

_Bitty: Just how long was that cut that you went from liquid to charcoal?_

_Jack: I was looking for bloopers._

_Bitty: Were you aiming for a pie or a puck?_

Everyone bursts into laughter anew, Holster slapping a hand across his eyes.

_Ransom: Even in baking, Jack finds a way to incorporate hockey._

_Bitty: I'm sure the Falcs have plenty of pucks at the rink_

_Bitty: You didn't have to make your own._

Chowder waves his phone at them all, torn between laughing and feeling bad about laughing. "It looks better than my first pie, remember? Bitty cried!"

"Well yeah, but that was strawberry rhubarb, not a brownie in a pie tin! You had an excuse."

A clip of Kent Parson trying to kick two separate opposing sticks free from his then interlocked blades leads to an abrupt cut of Jack standing there, proudly holding up a mostly-perfect chocolate fudge pie for the screen.

_Holster: Oh my god you cheater_

_Ransom: That is not the same pie._

_Shitty: How many did you have to make?_

_Chow: THAT LOOKS REALLY GOOD!!!!!_

_Chow: GREAT JOB JACK!!!!!_

_Dex: Chowder that wasn't even his second attempt_

_Tango: Guys what's happening when did zimmboni get a youtube channel?_

_Bitty: Bless your sweet chocolate heart._

_Lardo: Bro, stick to Bittymade_

The video ends with credits playing over the tape of Jack losing his stick in practice and just kicking the fucking puck into the net over the goalie's glove.

"Show off," Ransom mutters, already leaning forward to replay.

Holster catches his waistband to balance him as he reaches over to the laptop on Bitty's chair. "Had to add something to save his dignity."

"What dignity? There's nothing left to save."

_Ransom: I am showing this to -everyone-._

__

Just then Bitty's phone rings, and—unsurprisingly—when he checks it, it's Jack. Putting it on speaker, he holds it up for everyone.

__

"Hey!"

__

"Hi, Bits."

__

The chirping is immediate and raucous, everyone talking over everyone else. Spliced with Jack trying to mix in a frozen stick of butter, muttering about how Bitty told him the colder the better, it serves to send Bitty back into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

__

Once the chatter settles down a bit, Bitty catches his breath. "Oh, honey, the butter's for the pie crust, to make it fluffier. You didn't need that cold for brownies. Definitely not frozen!"

__

"It's a brownie _pie_ ," Jack defends, cutting off the peanut gallery. "Hey, uh, you can show people, just...don't let anyone else get a copy though, eh?"

__

Lardo makes a face. "Why? It's not like they were pot brownies."

__

"Brownie _pie_. It's just that PR didn't approve it."

__

_Whiskey: I'm in class please stop_

__

"Jack, hon, this is pretty G-Rated. The _Falcs TV_ videos are more risque. I don't think they'll mind."

__

"Still," Jack says, "Let me run it by them before anyone else gets it?"

__

_Whiskey: I'm sure your baking skills and theory are very impressive, gentlemen, but I am attempting to teach the convergence of industrialization and imperialism._

__

_Ransom: Um_

__

_Whiskey: Prof. Craig_

__

_Whiskey: And class._

__

_Whiskey: The entire class. You're on the projection._

__

For half a second the room is quiet.

__

"Eh, guys?" Jack asks, "Are you still there? Bits?"

__

They all try to figure out how exactly they should react.

__

"Uh, yeah, we're still here," Bitty says nervously as Ransom and Holster turn to each other with evil glee.

__

"WE ARE HERE, JACK. JUST STAY ON THE LINE, OKAY?"

__

\--------------------

__

"Jack swears he can never show his face in the history department again," Bitty tells his vlog, "I reminded him it shouldn't be a problem since he doesn't go here anymore, but he moans and groans anyway."

__

Laughing, he shoots the camera a sly look. " _He_ hasn't forgiven us yet, but Professor Craig is a pie lover and kinda thought all of it was funny besides. She says we can swing by with her favorite alumni's vlogging disasters anytime we like so long as she keeps getting pie out of it."

__

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pauses to pull it out. After a moment, he slaps a hand over his mouth and almost falls out of his chair giggling. It takes a moment before he composes himself, most of which he edits out.

__

"Oh lord, this boy. Well, in honor of pie tin brownies and History 203, I think I'll end this one Zimmermann style. Bye y'a—"

__

The video cuts to a mostly toothless, grinning hockey player being dragged off the ice by two of his teammates.

__

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so much to my betas, [ladysaraharper](http://ladysaraharper.tumblr.com/), [coltsandquills](http://coltsandquills.tumblr.com/), and a certain other person.


End file.
